I miss u all....

Today was the worst morning of my life. I woke up early in the morning. I couldn't sleep peacefully. I had nothing to do for the day, for my college days were over. I couldn't bear the pain. My last days were worthy enough to be remembered. I had a clash with my dear friend, and all the compromise talks we had was really unforgettable....Even though during my WAR with my dear friend, there was a chance that i could see her from a distance. But now when i love them with my whole heart, they are far enough and not to be seen anywhere.....I really miss them...

What exactly is MISSING?.....Well..Every day, right from the moment i wake up, i have plans to get done. There was a motive behind my all deeds.That was to create an impression; preferably, on girls...Right from the first day to the last day of my college. May be most of them will b aware about it by this time. So when i got up today, what was i supposed to do?....i needn't dress properly, i needn't dress up quickly, and i had nowhere to go.....I had no one to wish a good morning with a sweet smile on my face. I was feeling lonely. I was someone inside that college...Today, i felt like a dead man, with no lives around me.....

I got a relief when my mom asked me to take her to the treasury. Even though i drove very carefully, my mind was wandering in the campus..I don't remember seeing any vehicles on my way. The only thing i remember was my friends' faces. I was silent throughout my journey,. My mom felt the indifference... She know how much the college meant to me...

I am the youngest among my classmates. I got promoted from LKG to first standard. A double promotion. I had asked my mom many a while about this. She had a casual reply " You were taller than rest of your friends. So i got u promoted"....It didn't take a long time to realize that i was not as tall as told by my mom. During my graduation i raised the same question to her, once again. She gave me a different answer. She wanted me to be a graduate by the time she gets retired from her job. And that proved to be a reality. By the time i completed my grad, her career has come to an end. Her motive was to make me financially self dependent by the time her income stops. But there was a coincidence... Both of us shared the same experience.. Loneliness...She had nowhere to go...No more students...No more colleges...So was me....So it was god who planned to put me and my mom together in the same situation. I am there for mom, or she is there with me to share the feeling of loneliness.....i ve to get busy... I ve to get occupied... I need a job now....Blogging and reading alone can't rescue me from this situation...So, i am moving out.....in search of a job...In search of a new way to forget my loneliness.....Really miss u dear friends......I really miss u...... Its now, i realize how much did i love you....... 

The Ice Breaks.....

" Tea or coffee?..."
"Sir, would u like to have tea or coffee?..."   I stopped dreaming and tried to pay attention to what the waiter has asked me..

"Uh!.....One coffee...Brew it strong, please..." The waiter paused for a minute, raised his eye brows, as if surprised with my order, and went on with it. His doubt was reasonable; so was my friend's, who was sitting nearby. I always have a tea, preferably light one, with more sugar...

"So u like to take few shots?" My friend inquired..
"No! Thanks...I don't drink....."
"You don't drink strong coffee too!...."
"My head is aching, leftover with previous night's sleep. So... i just thought to have a coffee. Maybe, the change could keep me awake....."

"Hmmmm....Not bad".....I said myself as i enjoyed the coffee, sip by sip...
**************************************************************

3 days b4.....

I was on my way to hostel, in  a KSRTC. The evening was beautiful with a rain expected at any moment. So was my mind, ready to pour my frustrations, on my dear friend "Ms Y." I knew what i was doing was wrong. And being guilty, means being obligate to correct yourself.....Referring to previous post, I am not guilty. I m the loser. I was guilty from the moment i tried to terminate the relation with her, even though i couldn't. I tried to remain silent, avoiding her, trying to forget her, and her entire peer.....I forgave them, but couldn't forgive the sour taste of deception....In fact no one can. May be Christina Corrs too would have been inspired with such a situation to come up with the song "Forgiven. Not forgotten"....

It rained, all of a sudden. I could hear the window panes falling down, and all of a sudden, the bus was filled with dark and silence.."Perfect match for my mind's being"...I thought myself...Silence is a powerful and effective weapon. You can use it against anyone- ur enemy,ur friend, dad, mom,girlfriend, or anyone....But if you fail to break it in time, silence can prove to be the disastrous weapon ever used....

I began to imagine myself, as the bus rolled over potholes, splashing water.....
I will quit her company. Fine.
I can manage to stop myself from sending sms in bulk to them.Done.
Within four days, the group will vanish out from my reach. Possible.
And for the coming days, i can manage to turn my face away from them while going in and coming out of exam halls..Hmmm.Yes i can...

And what happens when She jumps in front of me, unexpectedly,someday?.....
Will she walk away, if face a crucial situation, like while i am met with an accident or vice versa?... 
And what happens if both of us get employed under the same roof?....
Will i hesitate to speak?...
Will i quit my job to save my face?..
Its preferably good to have a .45 Colt pistol pointed on my head rather than facing all the above situation...So i think i have to break the silence...I have to talk...I have to smile, once again in front of her....Will i be able to?..

I spent my following nights thinking about the best way to apologize her for being blunt. Should i call her?..What if she doesn't answer me?..
Should i write to her?..What if she tear off the letter?..Should i have a face to face chat?...What if she ignores my invitation?...One night was thoughtful, another one was sleepless, my mind troubling to find a solution. Finally i decided. It all began with a text message. Let it end up with another one. I took my phone an typed quickly....

"Ms Y..."   There was no reply...
"Ms Y, do u read me?..."  Still no reply...Now it was my chance to face a do or die situation. I started typing...
"Ms Y, i am really sorry for being blunt....I couldn't.......So, i request you to accept these as my honest words of apology......."So on and on and on.......

Minutes and hours passed by. My phone was silent. No light blinked, no sound "tinged"...So thats the end...



I was busy mugging up portions for the next days exam...I noticed my phone's LED blinking. i checked my phone...It was an sms from Ms.Y. Not a reply for my message. But a forwarded message. That was a good omen.

"So may i hope that our cold war has come to an end?..."
":-):-)"...She replied.
**********************************************************

Today........

I met her after the exam. She smiled at me. Me too. I met her friend , inquired about the exams...But i couldn't mingle like before. May be i ve to talk with her...

I took my phone as soon as i reached the hostel.
"Ms Y, would you mind to have a coffee with me @ 4?".....
"What?..."She replied...
"Would you like to have a coffee with me?.."
"how am i supposed to come alone?..."
"I thought to have few words with you....its ok..i understand your situation..."

I was told that talks over dinner are the best to build friendship. So may be a talk over a cup of coffee could patch the ruts in our relationship...
She refused it. May be she didn't think that way...
I hope, she might smile a bit more bright when we meet next time...
I hope, we might talk as before, when we meet for the next time.....
I hope....And hope is good.........

The coffee was bitter...Still i enjoyed having coffee, even though it was brewed strong..Finding the sweetness within, is the pleasure behind enjoying every sip of coffee...So is life...Finding the sweetness of a smile in a life full of sour and bitter taste of deceptions is the pleasure behind enjoying life....On doing so, someone will be wise enough to call us - " a GOD of small things...."






Tags: God of small things, coffee, sour and bitter taste of coffee, sms