The god's advocate..

I will be frank enough to say that my last post was a disappointment. It created confusions in my family, as my dad n sister was arguing whether Lissy was old enough to have a son at this age or not.(Coz, there really exist a character under that name... lol)
Half of the story sounded realistic, while the other half was...mm... u know what i meant. I remember a few of my friends reminding me that my imagination "SUCKSS!!.."
I shouldn't have ignored the "Herculian" fact, but still, i feel that this place is meant for jotting down things which kept my mind busy thinking to share with you.
Many of my friends ask about the nature of my blog, for the stories don't have a proper beginning, and endings, but just a flow of thoughts. After thinking and mumbling for a while, i say to them that "it is about my life", "my experiences", "its like my diary", etc...
I read a book named "The Old man and his god" by Sudha Murthy, which was a collection of her experiences as a social worker during her tenure in Infosys.
Much later after this book, and a few days ago, i got in touch with "Like the flowing river" by Paulo Coelho. I would describe this as the second book that influenced my life; the first one was "Ignited minds" by APJ.
The answers to "Why" and "How" will be dealt later, may be in some other posts. The book was captioned "thoughts and reflections". It was at this moment of time i realized that my blog meant the same.
May be because i inculcated the habit of reading very late, i was too late to come up with this expression to describe my blog. Anyway, as nothing is perfect, lets make it better. I thank everyone who always manage to skim through these pages.
I don't know how does it help in your life, but seeing your footprints in these pages makes me extremely happy.

Let me begin and end with a small passage i went through the book i mentioned above. There lived a man who was very God fearing and pious. He never missed his prayers, and was never late. One day, he was about to be late for his prayers.
He was unaware of the fact that he was being late for his prayers. Then came Lucipher, the king of saitan. He reminded him that he was late for his prayers and asked not to waste his time. The man did as Lucipher said, but was in deep doubt about the deed of saitan.
Lucipher waited till he finished his prayer. After his prayer, the man asked why was Saitan insisting him to pray, for he had learned from his childhood that saitan was the one who disturbed people who prayed, and let them away from god.
Lucipher begins to tell him that he loved God, and that he was a faithful servant to him, i want God to be on earth, so on and so forth. The series of arguments are very interesting, i don't remember them exactly, and i do not possess a copy, for i passed it to another close friend, as the writer of that book believes that a books journey is incomplete without traveling from one person to another.
One of the many reasons why i love Paulo Coelho. Now when it was about to be dawn, Lucipher agrees that he was lying, but he came there to make him pray in correct time. The man asked him why. Lucipher said " If i let you miss your prayer, you would have been in deep pain.
You would beg pardon to God, and pray with great pain asking forgiveness. Your prayer would be too intense to grant you mercy, and fetch you more and more blessings from God" and vanishes. The man repented for his foolish behavior, and begged for forgiveness to God. The story ends here, with a few more final strokes from his pen.

It was getting late for bed. I switched off the bunk light, and switched on my pocket torch. I pulled the drawer of my shelf to keep the book. I noticed my diary "Swetha" occupying a large area (imagine the size of my drawer).
The earphones and charger was entangled to create a mess inside it. I pulled it out to belay them. A chain of beads came along with it. With great pain i realized that it was my rosary. It had been lying there untouched for about a month.
I used to pray when i had hard times, when i had troubles, but forgot God in my good times. I went out, and occupied a corner, and started mt prayer. I begged pardon to God, but my prayers were not so intense that it would compensate for the days i missed out, and i was feeling too much guilty that i couldn't pray like before.
For a moment i thought "Its not devil who want God to be on earth, but its God who want devil on earth, so that he could remind people like me that God exists, and i do need to pray to God, because that prayer may be meant for a paining soul, or a weeping heart."....

Lessons from a river side- Lesson of love.

I met her yesterday. She was much beautiful than ever before. Icy cold
on top,warm beneath,and calm taking a sun bath near to my paternal
house. She told me a story yesterday. A story of love. She is the
'lifeline of Kerala' - the Periyar.

Lissy had a two year old son named Solomon when this happened. On
account of the goodness of village and lack of money the compound wall
separating a dozen houses, forming a maze, is found lacking here.
Children are always named after kings or emperors, which makes them
feel that they are rich, atleast in their names. And believe me, they
fetch more money in their long run than their predecessors.

Solomon was playing with his cart, towing with a nylon thread taken
out from an old fishing line. He ran along all the courtyards, banging
his toy against every possible object on the way. Hen and chickens
pecking worms would run away for life, seeing little Solomon. At times
he sounded horns, and all these happenings let Lissy know that he was
somewhere around here while she was busy in kitchen.

Around afternoon, when everyone went for a nap after lunch, Solomon
was busy playing around. Absence of breeze made a pin drop silence
everywhere.

Something in the river caught his attention. It was a flock of water
birds, drifting along with the current. At first they seemed to
continue their course, but later they came alongside the chinese
fishnet maintained by Lissy's father. Oh! My goodness, how am I to
describe them. They were more than a dozen in number, with two elders
leading them. Rest of them were their offsprings, I suppose. Neither
goose, nor a crane, it was something new to the land; atleast new to
this generation. An old man sitting near by, who couldnt nap came up
with a strange name. A few old men are deprived of their sleep just
because they are left with the duty to hand over a few things like
this to their younger generation.

The flock started exploring the area, walking one behind the other,
wagging their butt, and pecking here and there. Solomon followed the
herd at the end of line. He could match with their speed. Children are
the same- whether it is of birds, humans, for that matter of any
living creature. The tiny platoon went inside houses, gave blank looks
as the places where not familiar to them. Utensils piled up in the
kitchen fell down as they moved out through the rear door. As each
vessel fell down they tried to run away,but ended up entering every
house, and doing the same everywhere. People got up from their beds
with now idea as of what was happening around. Now our little platoon
was surrounded by people from neighbourhood. Someone came with a
basket and trapped all the nestlings.

The afternoon sun was not as hot as the discussions that took place
afterwards. A few suggested to hold them back in a cage. Someone
suggested that it was of high medicinal value, and hence need to be
cooked for the evening. The owner of the basket came up with the
statement that it belonged to him, while another man argued that it
belonged to him as it was trapped in his compound. The parent birds
started to produce a strange noise,trying to raise a voice of protest
and pain. This was enough to prove that they hatched from the same
mother's egg. Everyone ignored the older one, saying that it wont be
as tasty as the young flesh. They kept on crying, but the voice was
too feable to counter their arguments. Lissy looked around for
Solomon. He was nowhere around. She called him by name, but he didnt
show up. She went to every nook and corner, looking for him. She
checked for his foot prints which went near to the river. There she
found his cart toppled and abandoned. She yelled at the top of her
voice and collapsed on ground. She was crying and asked for help.
Everyone went around in a hurry. For a while there was only solomon's
name heard aloud in air. The birds where still making the cry,
standing here and there.

Someone came running with solomon. She found him playing with chickens
a few houses away, out of his territory. He might have lost his way
during the trail. Lissy ran to him, snatched him from her neighbour
and covered him with kisses. Solomon couldnt understand what happened
and wanted to go back to play with chickens. Lissy's mind was still
heavy. Atleast for a moment, she imagined the wierdest possibility of
loosing her child whom she got after longing for a long time.

The men arguing for the nestlings came to a compromise. They decided
to share it over a quarter of RUM. Now Lissy could understand the pain
of those two birds crying for the nestlings. Without giving a second
thought she took off the basket and waved her hands to let them off.
They got scattered and didnt know what to do. The birds made a cry out
of joy seeing the baffled nestlings, and rubbed their beaks against
one another- all moms on the earth behaves similar birds or humans,
for that matter they are moms and they know the value of love.

The platoon was in a hurry to flee away from the hostile land. Solomon
went to fetch his cart, women back to kitchen to make evening tea, and
the river was flowing fast, as if trying to take them to a safe land
far away,..

Being good and bad...

The classroom door banged opened and the class came down to pin drop silence, seeing the commander. "is there a fight going on?" "no sir". Someone replied from the back in a low voice. "you are panting like an animal.calm down." "yes sir I am fine". I replied,and went back to my seat. "dont fight.ok?" "yes sir". The class replied in the same voice. When the door was closed again, the whole class started discussing about the whole incident which happened a few minutes ago.
I hope you remember us partying in our dining hall, late night. Most of them do so,a few in their bunks too. But I was surprised,moreover shocked to see the leftovers of someone's party in the classroom. Floor was stained and a polythene cover containing a pepsi can was also leftover. I waited for the person who partied to clean the place. And in a few minutes,the place was clean, but didnt know who did the job. While the lecture was about to begin one guy passed the same polythene cover and asked to keep it in the front. That was just an absurd idea,as the instructor will see the place as untidy. So my mallu friend refused and passed it back. Now the other 'northie' started arguing for no reason. The whole class' attention turned towards them. My friend stared for a while and that provoked the northie. He kicked and stamped on my friend's chair ruthlessly, just like an uncultured person. I got fed up. "naresh behave yourself" I shouted. "mather ch0d, chup re bho$&i ke.."he shouted back to me. I raised from my chair and warned him again. "y are you interfering in their matters?" another northie questioned me. "just because he s my friend and I cant see him being insulted by anyone."
"tho phir aja bho$&i ke." saying this he charge towards me. I stood there while others stopped him approaching me.. He was struggling to get near to me, shouting more and more absurdities. "dosth hein tho aja sale, dum dikha thera." saying this he somehow managed to give me a push on my chest. Now frankly speaking I am such a person who dont get into any kind of fights, and who surrenders even if the person on the other end is wrong. But if someone challenge me like this then I dont think about the history of the person on the other end,nor about my future. I just fi ght back. I rushed to him with my fists closed,ready to make his nose bleed. But my friend pulled me back,while others tried to keep away the other guy. Words were flying in air like daggers,while the commander literally broke into the scene. I was panting like anything. I could smell adrenaline in my nose,which was sufficient enough to make the other guy smell blood in his nose. "is there a fight going on?".....
In one sense, it was a good day. If the commander saw our fight,things would have gone wrong for both of us, at the same time, I had to see my friend being insulted by his counterpart. I dont know whether I did the wrong thing today. After reading this,my new blog visitor,my dad would be saying that what I did was wrong. But being bad for a good reason is good, isn't it?.. What do you think?

Life onboard..

If there is someone who hates rain,come onboard with me to the ship. Every morning we pray for rain,so that we can skip morning PT. Thats how our day begins here. Welcome to the second phase of my training...
Our day begins by the pipe's call (a small curved pipe that produce a soft sound) usually referred as hands call at 0530 hrs. We pick up out toilet kit and rush not to be late,for the fresh water will be available only for the next 10mins. Shave,brushing or anything else using water which forms the routine has to be completed within this short span. At 6,we gather for morning pt. It ends at 0730hrs. Again the fresh water will be available for the next 10 mins.
Soon after breakfast, people designated as messmen for the day carries out cleanship,and rest of us arrange our beds to the so called ship state condition. Believe me,ship is a congested place to inhabit for us,but a paradise to bed bugs,cockroaches,rats and diseases until and unless we keep it clean.

Lectures are boring,a few are good. Its the time meant for second slumber until we hear the announcement "hands to lunch ". The much awaited lunch and sweet dish vanish from the kitchen in no time. But that is the time I hate the most. There are a few rascals who always break queues and fight for food. And believe me I dont stand there with my hands tied and mouth shut as before. I react,and atleast a few have changed their attitude.

Evenings are beautiful. We may get an hour's liberty,which is more than enough to have a 'chai n snack'. Dinner begins at 1830 hrs,but we go to bed only by 2230 hrs. Dinner will be light on account of the snack and taste. So we order buffer food via civilian bearer. This is the best part of stay. Upto 2000hrs we will be fiddling with our phones,and soon after that,when we settle for study periods,we will be struggling with the apetite to have porotta,or brosted chicken and the fizzy drinks.

Privacy is the factor which lacks here. May it be the bathroom or the bunker. If there is a piece of biscuit,there will be a hundred hands to share. So eating under cover,is not just a matter of stealth,but a matter of survival. 4 mallus and a manipuri forms our peer. We have found the serving berth of mess as a cover and the big blower pipe's platform as a haven to have food. The duty cooks will b doing their duty adjacent to our dining area. So we have to be extremely careful not to crack jokes, whisper and not to choke and cough while having food in a haste. Even the soft drink bottle has to be opened without a single fizzy noise. Thats the funniest part. We learn how to communicate through actions. Sometimes certain looks even convey some meanings. Thats how we learn about each other, thats how we learn comradeship... Will be back with more stories. This is just a beginning.. Stay tuned.

Tangled in a knot..

I was waken up from a sweet dream. But I was sweating profusely and couldnt make a sense of what was happening around me. I could see the faint light falling near my bed through the hatch of deck. I twisted my wrist and the indiglo screen showed a time of 0234 hrs,and the bunker was like an oven as there was no ac vent near to my bed. Usually there used to be a fan far away from my bed,but that breeze was more than enough for me. I just went to check out what was wrong. The fan was switched off on account of the chill air comming out of the vent,and the fan was secured in such a way that it was facing the adjacent beds. 'Selfish rascals'..they have ac and cant lend me the fan,and dont even have the generosity to turn the fan towards me. I felt the knot with my fingers,but it was some random multiple knot which we tie with an intention that it should not be opened in a lifetime. I tried to pull out the knot. Nothing worked.

Hmm...May b I have to get it ripped with a seaman knife. Mmm... Nope that wont be a smart act. My hands should be clean. Like a thief, I began the operation. I pulled the knot desperately,but with no success. At the end I thought to give up and go back to bed. Soon I remembered my divisional officer's words. 'Deepak,u give up quickly.' miles away,days much behind, those words were pricking my mind. I tried pulling. After some time my fingertips were paining like anything. Still I kept pulling. Somewhere In between,i felt the knot becomming loose. I thought that I may be hallucinating,but it worked. I looked at my watch. It said 0308. I oriented the fan towards me,switched it on,and closed my eyes enjoying the breeze...

"What a fucking story!" this might be the thought that goes through your mind.... "u screwed my time telling a story about knot. U should have used a blade and saved our tym,asshole."-jana may comment.

By the time I laid on my bed,i remembered the essop-birbal story of the man who dared to stand in a lake on an icy cold night,and when king asked how he could survive, he said that he saw a faint light somewhere far away in a house. I think u know rest of the story. The words of my divisional officer said above was something that hurt my mind so badly. But today I felt it like the faint light which enlightened my spirit to fight and survive. This post is dedicated to a friend and to all readers who are tired of being strong. At times we are about to give up,think about moments we were underestimated. Try to prove them wrong. You will win...

Tough day-1

There are times at which you have a diamond in your hand,and you would like to throw it away,just because you like the peace of mind that you can get by tossing the only silver coin left with you.. As usual you might be clueless to what I am talking,but believe me,this was the reason behind my decision to leave my job from navy.. Want to hear more? Stay tuned.
The thought struck me all of a sudden. I was too much attached to my family when I left them to join back for the job. Being a man on 60, my dad showed what was real courage and how competent is he when compared to a young man like me, during my swimming classes. Actually I became a big fan of him. When I left my dad, I gave him a tight kiss and the warmth still stays on my lips. Mom- I need not tell how much we will miss our mom once we are going to stay away. Kids- oh god, I missed them too badly that every time I closed my eyes, I was hallucinating their laughters,their mischievous acts; and what is my life over here? I will be sailing around the globe round and round. I will miss them all. Will I be able to take care of my parents just like the way my dad took care me while teaching swimming? To be with them,at every point of time, to be a true son. Is it the pride or the satisfaction I get as a true son that has to be given priority?. After screwing up two night's sleep,i took the decision. I am going to leave navy. Thoughts are followed by actions. I put it up to my friends,my officials and to the officers. All of them were shocked. Dad was dead silent when I discussed the matter over phone. Sister was panic struck, mom said ok, but not wholeheartedly. And there was confusion all around my family. They might have wondered what went wrong with me. Like the fleet rolling and pitching in a sea state of 6, all the souls went for six. Someone made an sos call to god..

"cadet deepak joseph requested gangway. Cadet deepak joseph" I was not surprised to hear the quarter master's call. May be the exo wants to make it official. It was my uncle. I cried like a child when i heard his voice over phone. He consoled me,adviced and finally convinced me how childish and foolish was my decision. By the time call ended, i Decided to stay. The advices he gave me need not me mentioned here, for that wont make any difference to you. When I called up my dad, he was overwhelmed with joy and he bursted into tears. For my concerns about my mom, she said that she is no more my mom for my country is my mom, and she added that she felt herself like the rani of jhansi when she said those words.
I was recollecting the entire episode when I went home today on liberty for 3hours. Our life is challenging,not just mine,all ours. We will be distracted. If you are unfortunate to have a shoulder to cry upon, remember this stupid moment of your friend. I am sure that you will wear your armour again,.

The Best Teacher

"Here we go... on my count 1.....2.....3" "SPLAAASHHHHHHHHH".......... I jumped into water, and the boat rolled and pitched in the ripples. The one second jump seemed like a one hour movie. I could feel my brain pausing for a moment. I could see the clear water, then the yellow colour, then green, and my sight went off in the muddy water of river periyar, as i went further down. I could feel the water rushing to my mouth, and it was the wake up call. I kicked and moved my hand to surface. When i reached the surface, the first thing i saw was my father's terror struck face, and he gave me a numbed look holding the helm. "You scared the hell out of me. Why did you take so long to surface?".. I couldn't speak anything, and was gasping and tried to get a hold of the bilge. I could see the sun bidding gud bye to the day, and the last ray of hope seemed to set along with the sun...

300 kms from here lies the olympic sized swimming pool of the academy, where i had the most toughest, challenging, disappointing days of my life. The same pool links me and Donnie to brotherhood. I joined for swimming classes one month prior to joining the academy. That was the first time i dipped myself in water for the purpose of swimming. I gained some proficiency, which helped me in my academy life. During the initial stages, i was much better than many of the chaps. But as time passed by, i saw myself struck in the shallow end of the pool, while most of them, except 3 progressed and passed the test. During the end term classes, the pool was deserted and the instructor trainee ratio was 2 to 1. There was no consistency in my swimming. One day i would complete the length in one stretch, and on the other day, i would give up half way. I know my faults, but my brain doesn't work under water. I think about home, i feel lonely, i feel like loosing hope, and then its all over. Instructors were always there to guide us. When all the means fail, they let us drink water. I remember, one day, i was exhausted after swimming for a few laps. One instructor asked me to cantinue floating. I said i can't and tried to catch the wall. I saw him taking my hand and throwing me to the middle of the pool. He jumped along with me, and when my head came up, he immersed my head in water, many times, then sitting on my shoulder, and finally leaving me to go by myself. And after the so called "water treatment", no one will have the energy to get out of the pool, but to rest their head on the sides to get some air. I have cried in pool- like a child, i have wept in my cabin- alone in the darkness, and for a few days i didn't speak to any one. My dad n mom used to pray for me. Dad always gave me advice to improve swimming. But my brain didn't work inside the pool. I was last but one to pass the test, along with donnie. We promised that we will pass the test on the same day. Else the other one's morale will go down. We did pass together, and had a good POP.

My father's house is near to a river. With breadth over 100 m, it was the perfect location for my drills. My dad's childhood belongs to the generation in which labour cost was 4 rupees, while its now 400 rupees. All the neighboring friends used to play and swim in water together, and they learnt and grew up the same way. I could still see the bond between them when my dad went to borrow a boat. A few of them were ready to come along with my dad, and one of them was a crippled man, who claims himself to be the best  swimmer among the peer group, and dad agree with him. He came with me, to teach swimming. After observing me for a while, he burst into laughter, and made fun of me. For a moment i thought that i deserved it. I told my problems to dad, about my fear. He asked me to jump from the boat, and swim as much as i can. There is always a good point in learning with dad. He will never let you drown. He took me to the middle, and asked me to jump. I hesitated, and before i could speak anything, he jumped into the river. I was really surprised by the way in which that 60 year old veteran was swimming.

During the initial stages, i used to get tired soon. I remembered my Divisional officer's comment about me. "Deepak, you give up very quickly". Now each of my strokes were a sincere effort ot prove him wrong. I had to befriend the river, and for that i need to enjoy the river. I discovered the thermal gradation in water, the currents in morning and evening, variation in sound as the style of pulling varied, etc... I enjoyed the beauty of jumping, the weightlessness,. My dad darted the paddle into river, and it bounced back after a short while. He said that the river gives back whatever you give her. It even supports you. That sounded more lovely, like a mom. I could see my dad hugging the river, like a child on mother's lap. And when practice is the only way left for perfection, you have no choice, but to work hard. Gradually my fears were washed off in the streams of the river. When i ended today's practice, i swam across the river more than three times. I learnt how to be calm in water, which is very essential for a swimmer; every swimmer will agree with me. Earlier when i saw rivers or big pools i used to wonder, and my heart beated like the Base piece of jazz drum. But now, i l be happy if you ask me to jump into the water.

I will say that i am the most luckiest person in this world, just because i have an awesome dad. Fearless, adventurous, supportive father. The numbed face i described in the beginning is now etched in my heart. I will never feel lonely, for there will be a boat behind me always, with my dad holding the helm. He taught me everything since childhood- how to brush, groom, shave, draw, pray,and what not. I am happy that the right job ended up in the right hands. It was with dad that i had many fights while i was sitting jobless at home after my PG. I had inherited many traits of his traits. He is quick tempered, to an extend, and near to perfectionist. I ve always tried not to be like him in these two aspects. But while trying for the same, i was not even inheriting many of his good qualities. All those frustration i have shared with you in my blog came out not just because of jobless sitting, but my mentality that what ever my dad did was wrong.Eventhough i love my dad, the compassionate look sitting in the boat, the grin when i swim properly, the empathy, that just swept me off my feet. I just feel sorry about the moments i have hurt him, the times i didn't behave like a son,...and i love him more than anything in this world not because he taught me swimming, but i am lucky enough to have him as my dad, as a good friend who has more youth than me, and as a good teacher.   ..Salute to the man holding the helm...

Balls....balls....everywhere....

I am still dozing off.. 2 days back, i just stayed awake through out the night watching two movies, back to back. "Kutty srank" and "Elsamma enna Ankutty". I liked both, very much. It was after a long time that i saw a good malayalam movie. It was about 12 o' clock when the silent hours commenced in my house. I started off with kutty srank. And when both shows ended, it was 0530 hrs. Amazing... Should i go to bed or stay awake so that i can go to church at 0630 hrs?... The second one sounded more daring. The only time i ve stayed awake like this was on the eve of a function associated with my sister's marriage. Me and dad had to assemble the handrails, and panels of staircase, as there were no workers, and we did the job with only tea breaks in between. The job which began on 7 in the morning ended at 0530 hrs the next day. And then i went to church at 6, for the first mass (It was a sunday. on sundays usually churches have 2 holy mass). Eventhough i thought to experience it once more, i came up with another plan. I would sleep till 6 and then go to church. Even before i said "affirmative" to my plan, i set my alarm and started snoring.....

Yesterday was the fuck all day for me. And you will find it most interesting. Let me begin one by one. It was Ainston, my 14 months old nephew who gave me a shake up by poking with his sharp fingernails in my nose and ears at 0930 hrs. I couldn't help, but kiss him tight on his chubby cheeks, for he is my life's life and moreover, my Godson. I brushed my teeth and did a clean shave, within 3 mins, the way we used to do in the academy.

I was supposed to draw a demand draft, for my further training. When i went to the bank, i realized that some data was missing, without which the dd can't be processed. It almost came to a dead end. Then a quick drive to treasury with mom and kids. We wanted to do some account transfers, but the authorities said "BALLS"(academy slang). I thought to go to the city to take a ride, on my uncle's bike, so that i can rip the road, to drive out my frustrations. Mean while, dad n mom planned to go for a shopping to the city and i had to drive the whole family. Half an hour before the journey, i was trying to configure my modem,... the network again showed me "balls"... When i rang up to the exchange, they said to submit the device within 10 mins, so that they will configure it soon. I dashed through the street and empty shortcuts. 3 mins to cover 3 kms. 60kmph. Good maths. I said them that i wil collect the modem after 10 mins. As the exchange was on the way to city, i could collect it when i was going with my family. When i came back, dad was ready with the car. Half way to the exchange, mom told that she forgot her wallet. Back to home. I thought it would give the exchange ample time to configure modem. I was happy. But when i reached exchange, thy said that network showed them "balls".

The first destination was jewel shop. I hate gold purchase, ladies go through 100s of patterns, and then move to the other shop. So i decided to collect my uniform from the tailoring shop, which i ordered beforehand. Now the tailoring shop was 3 kms far. I thought to walk, to kill time. Sometimes i opened strides so as to make sure that i was not too late to be back.on my way, i messaged to my friend, who was working somewhere nearby. As i haven't met her for a while, and would be leaving for further training, i thought it would be a nice idea to meet her, so that i don't waste her time.I asked for her location. She asked "why?".. "Just wanted to plant a bomb. Its ok, may be later.." I replied.. 

The tailoring shop confirmed that my order would have been ready by one day before the due date. I placed the order form in the shop keeper's hand. HE went inside, came up with trousers and told me that shirts showed me- "balls". Frustrated, i left the shop. I looked for a peaked cap; every shop showed up "BALLS"...

I reached home, very late. By that time i was tired, sleepy, and aggressive. Little Ainston wanted to play with ball. I looked around, but couldn't find one; kids would have thrown it somewhere carelessly. I sighed, and looked at him miserably... I said in mind "Balls, ainston... Start getting used to the world around you "... He just let out a fair cry..

Food, fuck and Fun..

As a child, i was always excited to see an aeroplane in the sky. As i grew up, i flew paper planes... As i grew further, i wanted to fly a real plane. After my higher secondary education,
i enquired about the cost to obtain a CPL. A sum of 13 lakh rupees was not at all affordable for me. For an instance, i thought, that the sky was the limit for my dreams.
Somewhere somehow, the idea of joining the defence struck my mind. Putting your dreams into reality with a sole purpose to serve your country was more justified than obtaining a loan to become a commercial pilot.
I preferred the sea than air, on account of my eyesight. On my trail of achieving my dreams, i met many people, went to many places,....struggled,.... laughed along with the souls who laughed upon me, patted on my shoulder myself,.. and still continues it through this blog.
In the last post, jana asked me a question. "How did an airport stood as an inspiration to achieve your dream?"... First and foremost i thank god that he gave me enough chances to pick or drop someone from or to the airport, usually, my brother-in-law or my sister.
By the time i got distracted from my dream, i would have got a chance to be in airport. When i see the smart chaps wearing stripes and peaked cap, smartly moving in with a black suit case, my mind would start spinning around the pivot of the dream near to impossibility.
Whom was i supposed to blame?.. Why didn't we have enough financial background to pursue my dream?. One day my eyes were wet thinking about all these things. I don't remember when did i took the decision to defeat my own fate, and convince myself that sky is not the limit....
Each time i left the airport, my mind would have filled with energy; the energy to fight against my own life, the courage to think out of boxes... After a short while, i ended up i the academy. Now its action time....


Food, Fuck and Fun... Thats what academy triangle consists of, from my point of view. Without the first two, there is no fun. The first 14 days in academy were called "Honeymoon period". We were enjoying the stay, the facilities and the beauty of academy like kings.
On the night of 14thday, just after dinner, the academy had a drastic change. We were called for reporting, in PT rigs. We didn't know what does the term "reporting" implies. Well thats the official name of the action prior to a punishment or taking charge or responsibility of something.
Later these punishment sessions were called "Ragada", "Bajaos", or more explicitly, "fuck ups". With legs tangling on the handrails and hands on ground, we opened the innings of the night. We were asked to siton toes, and jump up in the air, throwing our body like a star, and hence it is called "star jump".
Then we were asked to go for a 200m sprint, and were secured an a first cum first basis. Now we had to pair ourselves and carry one on shoulders called "camel carry". Just walking a few distance was not enough. We often had to do scotts bearing their weight.And after some more fuck ups, we were told by the senior that it was just a trailor, and movie was to follow soon. A few of them vomited, some became unconscious, but it didn't stop them from giving us regada. They made the conk off chaps upside down that blood rushed to their brains in a hurry
to wake him up. When i came to my room that night, i was too tired that i couldn't pull out my socks...

Drill is the bed rock of discipline, and parade ground is the farm were we bear its fruits. Silly things we ignore in civil world, like slackening the belt or shoe lace for a little comfort,
or scratching the foot with rifle in one hand, enjoying the aesthetics of the background while the instructors are briefing are serious offences. MOst of them will be succeeded by "Up rifle daudke chal", around the parade ground.
Sometimes they result in Extra drills, in which 8.5 rounds are to be completed in 30 mins. Thats about 6.4km . Sounds easy, but you are not running in a Nike shoe with a sipper in your hand. You have a drill boot as hard as rock, and a rifle in your hand, and sun shining on full throttle, above your head...

Life in academy is also filled with adventure. Cross country is the mother of all events. Running 11 km in 30 to 40 mins was not even in the dreams of many trainees.
Endurance camp was of much higher magnitude. We had night navigation, mini josh and josh runs. Each of them ranging between 25 to 40 kilometers in length. I remember that we were lost during our night navigation. The expedition that began on 0230 hours ended at 1640 hours the same day.
It was basically meant to reveal how much can we push ourselves beyond our limits. I was good in jod thod, in which we had to strip and assemble rifles. I did it in the same way i tap my fingers on my keyboard.
We had boat pulling, sailing, firing, NBCD exercise, and a whole lot of stuffs. The sea sortie was an unforgettable experience. We sailed for four days, slept in the space between machinery, as Russian made frigates offer rooms to machines, not to man.
You should have been there with me while we were transferred from one ship to another in a Gemini craft; climbing up and down the waves, was really a breathtaking experience. 

There were good and bad times in academy. This was also a period of spiritual retreat for me, as we will stay close to god during our hardships. I realized my father's words that i will regret for not going to masses on weekdays during my college days.
I used to write diaries, prepare"Tang", have buffer food, drink raw milk in packets, during silent hours(sleeping time), secretly have 'pickle, salad, sauce and paapad on mess table, which were senior privileges. There is always some fun in violating the rules. Unless you risk yourselves, you won't enjoy the fun.

Study hours used to be my time to write letters. Jana was the person who annoyed me(hihi!..wink) the most. I wrote too much of letters that i ran out of envelopes, and finally paper too. I made envelopes of my own, and the last letter from academy to jana was written on tracing paper.
Letter was lighter than envelope. He too wrote to me in semi log graph papers which reminded me of my college days. It was letters which kept me moving during those days.
It takes about two weeks time to receive the reply for a letter. But the excitement in receiving the letter is beyond expression in words. I run to my cabin, and opens it like a child who got a Christmas gift. To all those who wrote to me, atleast once- You live in my heart.
I had the same happiness when i got a cup of tea in the morning and evening. In the morning, while most of them are getting dressed up, i will be standing in the courtyard, awaiting the hot teapot. The civilian bearer would always be late that we got only 2 mins to finish the hot tea. In the evening, i run to my squadron; may be from parade ground, swimming pool, or where ever it is.


One hard fact (prefer to call rather than sad fact) is that i didn't have any attachment with the academy.  I made a few friends. Rest of them were acquaints. There were good and bad times in the academy, and its quite humane that you will remember most of them who stayed together, sharing the same pain in life, one way or the other.
Being a weak swimmer, i had spent majority of my end term recess time in swimming pool.Donny (name changed) too was a weak swimmer. We both used to share our frustrations and despairs sitting on the bench beside the pool. We promised that we will pass the test on same day. Else if someone passed ahead, then the other would have broken down. We kept our word. From the pool, i got a brother.
His mom prayed for us during our tough time, so did my mom. When our families met for the first time, the day before our POP, we felt as if we had been knowing each other for a long time.

The biggest lesson i learned during my training was that, whether rolling on ground during PT, losing the palms' skin in parade ground, getting fuck ups after a heavy dinner, getting psyched by sitting like a hen "murga" position, or running together for 80 to 100 kms within 4 days, men and women who share the same pain stay together; forever..
There are more of academy stories, to be followed in up comming posts. Unless they are coupled with life, they are meaningless. As the book "Belt, boots and beret" says, whatever happens in the academy is for good. Let us wait and see...

Knock knock..

Its raining dogs n puppies here. I was waiting for such a rain to write this article. It was much the same rain that soaked my car's seat when I opened the door for her. Here eyes wer wet, as she looked at her daughter standing on the other side of the car along with her grandpa. As the car slowly rolled,i could see the little girl crying for her mom. I pressed the gas and hurried to the airport...

Airport was unusually crowded and all the pleasure I had driving in the rain drained over there. I always loved to b there.it was the place which always stood as a motivation to achieve my ambition. Whenever I left that place, I would ve been recharged; last time when my sis left me,she said "study hard 2 be an officer". That was much b4 attending my interview. Today,when I am one step closer 2 my dream, I found this place disturbing my peace of mind,as my sister s leaving both her kids with my dad n mom,due to some unavoidable circumstances.. I bid her a warm farewell from the lounge area, with only one question in mind- when r v going 2 meet again?..

During my training period,i used 2 look towards the day,i would b spending with my whole family. Now I realize that its just a dream far away... But I am happy that I can spend the leave with my nephew n neice.

It seems to me that life changed drastically. I dont feel like fiddling with my phone to chat, and prefer to write letters to them. Jana kept me busy even during my study period in academy, while anna was a console, and a lot of funny things happened between me n bobs through letters. Dear buttercup, I would have been extremely happy if I had ur address too. Hope I will receive ur address in my mailbox. Only person who told me that he/she was expecting 4 my next post was capricious. Did I disappoint u- for the course of this article is not so steady. My next post will b the exciting story of my training in academy. As of now,this post was just to let my mind free,and a "still pipe" as I resume command of my blog... C u soon...

Just after a while....

Dear friends, i miss u all a lot... I miss the civil world. Each time a letter from one of my best pal, or from my home finds a way to my cabin, my heart leaps with joy. The same bloody arse will now comment on this post spotting out the grammar and spelling mistakes.. :)  I wanted to talk a lot to you. But right now time is so limited that i can't mail all f u, or describe abt my life here. Just wanted to say that every moment of life, i remember you all. All means all of you. When i feel exhausted during Cross country runs, its the sweet memories of our clg, our friends ( a few special friends) that keeps my feet rolling.....


I wish i could have talked to you a lot, but.... For the time being ... Bye... Special regards 2 prisoners,
jana, wild falcon, jfreak, Thy gals, and to all those who spend some time skimming through these pages.....

Luv, DJ